Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
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The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
how long have you had this for?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.