Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
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I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.