This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
This makes total sense…
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.