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convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
birds and squirrels envy us
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
NASA has no chill
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Pot warmers of the day.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”