[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
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When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Life hack
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.