robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I cannot call her anything else now
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Sorry not sorry.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank