A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
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Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.