Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
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Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?