Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.