We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?