I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
#growingpains
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.