[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Put a ring on it
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣