Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT