Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
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When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer