*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
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{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Siri, fight Alexa.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
SF is the wild wild west man