*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!