“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Story of my life…..
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Life with a cat in one tweet
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.