The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”