I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Things will get butter, keep churning
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road