Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
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Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Not today
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.