Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.