I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
You Might Also Like
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Who’s your best friend?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.