“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
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I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I want this so bad
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.