[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him