My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
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I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
🤣😂🤣
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY