I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.