WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Stop being racist to kettles.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine