When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
an octopus is just a wet spider
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of