I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
*bites zombie*
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.