Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
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accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I get distracted pretty eas
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Ain’t no way
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.