DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
definitely did not do anything wrong
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals