My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
we’re gonna need another temp
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.