Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.