CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
*pronounces patio like ratio
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.