Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
This hospital has everything
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”