“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.