Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
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Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
War & Peace
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO