Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Don’t we all.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise