going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.