My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
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Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan