MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.