*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I’m a bad influence on myself.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.