ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
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Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.