what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
The USS B port
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.