They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
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“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.