Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
giddy up Office Depot
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.