12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
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I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I feel seen
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be