I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people