in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”