95% of dentists recommend teeth.
You Might Also Like
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.